Why setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse feels so difficult

You know the boundary you want to set.

You may even know, intellectually, that you have every right to set it.

So why can actually saying no feel so incredibly difficult?

For many women recovering from narcissistic abuse or emotionally difficult relationships, the challenge isn’t knowing where the boundary should be. It’s tolerating what happens when you finally choose yourself.

When someone else’s reaction feels like your responsibility

A client recently came to me with a dilemma involving an estranged parent who had announced an overseas visit by simply sending his flight details.

There was an assumption underneath it: I’m coming. I’ll stay with you. You’ll accommodate me.

She spoke to friends and colleagues about what she should do, and almost immediately the conversation became about him.

But he’s your father.

Shouldn’t you let him stay?

What will happen if you say no?

The question I posed to her was very different:

What do you need?

What would having this person in your physical and emotional home mean for you? For your partner? For your children? What is preventing you from trusting yourself enough to make the choice that feels right for you?

Remember this: a boundary doesn’t require permission

This is where setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse can become so difficult. If you have spent years feeling responsible for somebody else’s anger, disappointment, guilt or emotional dysregulation, advocating for yourself can feel deeply uncomfortable.

You set a boundary, and they become angry.

Suddenly, instead of asking Was that boundary right for me?, you’re asking Have I done something wrong?

But another adult’s response to your boundary does not determine whether your boundary is valid.

Part of healing is learning to redirect your attention away from the dominant energy in the relationship and back towards yourself. However difficult that may be.

Is prioritising yourself selfish?

This is where I often meet resistance.

Many women have been conditioned to see selflessness as something inherently virtuous. Be accommodating. Put other people first. Don’t cause conflict. Be a good daughter, partner, mother, friend, colleague.

But taken far enough, selfless can quite literally become a life with the self missing from it.

And that is fertile ground for resentment, overwhelm, exhaustion and burnout.

Reclaiming yourself doesn’t mean becoming inconsiderate of others. It means recognising that your compassion, care and consideration are incomplete when they include everybody except you.

You can love others deeply and still remain present in your own life.

Coming back to what you need

Healing after narcissistic abuse involves learning to trust yourself again.

To recognise what you need. To understand the deeper patterns that make advocating for yourself feel so difficult. To allow other adults to own their emotions while you take responsibility for your own.

And eventually, to make choices based on the life you want to create rather than the reaction you are trying to avoid.

That is where boundaries become about far more than saying no. They become an expression of self-trust.

Ready to explore the patterns beneath your boundaries?

I work with women who are ready to move beyond simply understanding what has happened and explore the deeper patterns shaping how they show up for themselves. They’re excited to create a post-trauma life that includes joy and self-trust.

All new clients begin with The Threshold Space: a focused six-week commitment to change where we uncover what has been holding you back, reconnect you with your inner wisdom and begin creating meaningful momentum towards what comes next.

From there, your path is shaped around you and what you need.

Explore The Threshold Space and how I work
Learn more about healing from narcissistic abuse
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For deepened insight into narcissistic behaviour and how it affects people in relationships, read more of my narcissism articles on my website, or watch my narcissism series on YouTube.

Read next: Losing yourself in a narcissistic relationship – how to find your way back