Holding boundaries with a narcissist when they push against it

You set a boundary. You know what you need. You may even feel completely clear about your decision.

And then comes the anger. Or the guilt. Or the shame.

Suddenly, the boundary you set, which felt perfectly reasonable, begins to feel selfish, cruel or somehow wrong.

If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, this can be one of the most difficult parts of learning to trust yourself again. Because setting a boundary is one thing. Holding it when somebody doesn’t want you to is another.

Why narcissists push against boundaries

Healthy boundaries require two people to recognise that they are separate individuals, each responsible for their own thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

In narcissistic relationships, that separateness can be deeply uncomfortable.

When you begin making choices based on what you think, feel or need, the dynamic changes. And if the other person has benefited from you being accommodating, submissive or easily influenced, there may be considerable resistance to that change.

That resistance can take many forms.

Anger: How many times do I have to tell you?

Shame: You’re really going to do that? What will people think?

Guilt: I can’t believe you would do this knowing how upsetting it is for me.

Different emotion. Same underlying message:

Change your behaviour so that I don’t have to manage my feelings.

You are NOT responsible for another adult’s emotions

This is where boundaries after narcissistic abuse can become particularly complicated.

After spending a long time in this kind of relationship, you may have learned to feel responsible for how the other person thinks, feels and behaves.

Their anger means you’ve done something wrong. Their disappointment becomes yours to fix. Their distress makes you question your decision.

But another adult’s emotional response does not automatically mean your boundary is wrong.

And sometimes the pressure doesn’t even need to come from them anymore.

You may have internalised it.

I feel guilty for putting myself first.

I’m selfish for saying no.

Maybe I’m asking too much.

In other words, the relationship may have taught you so effectively to question yourself that eventually you begin doing it for them.

Why holding a boundary can feel so uncomfortable

I often describe learning to hold boundaries after narcissistic abuse as trying to grow a muscle you’ve never used before, while standing in the ring with the person who most doesn’t want you to grow it.

Of course it feels difficult.

You are trying to establish a stronger sense of self while navigating emotional responses that may have successfully influenced you for years.

This is why healing isn’t simply about learning the right words to say or becoming “better at boundaries”.

It’s about understanding why somebody else’s anger, guilt or disappointment has so much power over you in the first place.

Boundaries are an act of self-trust

When you notice yourself becoming pulled into guilt, fear or shame, see if you can create enough space to ask:

What is actually true for me here?

Not what they want you to believe. Not what will keep them happy. Not what will make the discomfort disappear fastest.

What do you know?

Because ultimately, learning to hold boundaries is part of a much deeper reclamation: rebuilding trust in yourself, recognising your own emotional sovereignty and allowing yourself to have needs, preferences and limits without requiring somebody else’s permission.

Recognising your own patterns and how you want to heal

If you are healing from narcissistic abuse and recognise these patterns in yourself, there is often value in exploring where they began, and why feeling responsible for another person’s emotional world became so familiar.

This is the deeper work I do with women through The Threshold Space, a focused six-week commitment where we begin to uncover the patterns beneath your experience, reconnect you with your own inner wisdom and create meaningful momentum towards what comes next.

From there, your path is shaped around you.

Explore The Threshold Space and how I work
Learn more about healing from narcissistic abuse
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If you would like to follow the entire narcissist journey I’ve created online, feel free to work through my Narcissism playlist on YouTube.

Read next: Why setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse feels so difficult