Losing yourself in a narcissistic relationship: How to find your way back

What do you want?

It sounds like such a simple question. But for many women healing from narcissistic abuse, I’ve learned that this can be surprisingly difficult to answer.

What do you want to eat? I don’t mind.

What would you like to do? I’m easy.

Are you okay with this? Whatever works for you.

Over time, you may have become so accustomed to anticipating everybody else’s feelings, needs and reactions that you’ve lost touch with your own.

And often, that pattern began long before the narcissistic relationship.

Caring for others can become self-abandonment

In a narcissistic relationship, you may find yourself being made responsible for another person’s emotional world.

If they’re angry, you’ve upset them. If they’re disappointed, you’ve let them down. If they’re dysregulated, somehow you should have prevented it.

For someone who has already learned to prioritise other people’s needs, this dynamic can be incredibly powerful.

Many women have spent a lifetime absorbing messages about what it means to be “good”: be accommodating. Don’t make a fuss. Think of others first. Be easy-going. Be helpful. Put yourself last.

Some of those messages are so deeply embedded that we barely notice them.

One of my clients recently found an old Brownie mug from the 1980s which read: “A good girl thinks of others before herself and does a good turn every day.”

There it was in black and white. Be good. Put everybody else first.

But what happens when you do that for decades?

Relearning how to know what you want

Part of healing after narcissistic abuse is bringing the attention back to you.

Instead of automatically asking What would you like?, we can begin with something much more fundamental:

Am I hungry?

Do I want to eat now?

Do I want to eat with you?

What would I actually like?

These are tiny questions. But when you’ve spent years orientating yourself around other people, answering them can be an act of reclamation.

I would never encourage my clients to use this principle to become inconsiderate or entitled. There’s a difference here.

Healthy relationships still ask us to be conscious, kind and respectful of the people around us. But there is an enormous difference between considering someone else’s needs and abandoning your own to meet them.

Your needs don’t require somebody else’s permission

Reclaiming yourself means recognising that you are part of the equation.

Your needs matter. Your preferences matter. Your boundaries matter. What you want matters.

Not because somebody else agrees with you. But because it is true for you.

When we repeatedly turn our backs on ourselves, the cost can eventually show up as resentment, overwhelm, exhaustion and burnout.

Healing asks us to begin doing something different: developing self-trust, taking responsibility for our own emotional world and allowing other adults to take responsibility for theirs.

That is part of the journey beyond narcissistic abuse.

It’s about understanding the person who hurt you, yes. But more importantly, it’s about coming home to yourself.

Moving beyond narcissistic abuse

My work at Katie Feder Healing is not traditional one-hour talk therapy, and I don’t believe there is one prescribed path through healing.

I work with women who are ready to move beyond simply surviving what has happened and become curious about what comes next. Reclaiming their sense of self, understanding the patterns that have shaped them, reconnecting with their own needs and creating a life that feels joyful and authentically theirs.

All new clients begin in The Threshold Space, a focused six-week commitment to change. From there, we shape the path around you, your experiences and what you need to move forward.

Explore The Threshold Space
Learn more about healing from narcissistic abuse
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For deepened insight into narcissistic behaviour and how it affects people in relationships, read more of my narcissism articles on my website, or watch my narcissism series on YouTube.

Read next: What your kids really need when you’re healing from narcissistic abuse